The model did not fit
The respondents’ objections to the NA model of recovery took various forms. Some had negative feelings about some of the strategies utilized in NA. For example, Per and John were not comfortable with the narrative tradition in group meetings because both felt too “messed up” due to their psychiatric comorbidity and had difficulty sharing. For Per, these thoughts were deepened when he experienced a more dialectic form in an SHG through a user organization. He felt that the dialogue and feedback in their group meetings were more beneficial for him, making him more comfortable, such that he settled down there instead. After a few years, he was even established as a leader in the SHG. Similarly, John found an NGO that ran an educational program on how to cope in recovery, and found their focus on social and leisure activities (e.g., football) to be more attractive than the typical group meeting format in NA. Both John and Per were also critical of other parts of the NA approach, e.g., they resisted the step-working practices and felt that the expectation of involvement in a strict step-working structure was a burden. After Per left NA, he eventually looked seriously at the 12 steps and found them to be sensible, but realized that he had intuitively utilized similar strategies with the help of the alternative SHG that he had settled down in.
Some participants also expressed objections to the explanatory model of the 12 steps. Celine said
“they hinge everything on addiction”, indicating that she felt that alternative models were more relevant for her. She had a serious trauma experience in her late teens, when she was given a rape drug and was raped by two men. During step 5, she recollected the incident and her sponsor’s response was “look what our addiction has led us into”. At the time, she was surprised by her sponsor’s response and intuitively objected to it, but she was unable to express her objections or even formulate to herself why she strongly reacted to the sponsor’s feedback. She no longer approached her sponsor after that incident, but rather only utilized other resources available in the group, e.g., the meetings and the literature. Retrospectively, she was quite clear that she had acquired an addiction and needed to take accountability for it. However, in contrast to her sponsor’s view, she realized that it was not the addiction that led her into the traumatic experience—it was the other way around.
“After that [being raped], my drug use went wild. It was the most sensible thing I could have done at that time. Otherwise, I would have been locked up in a psychiatric ward or committed suicide.” (Celine)
Several respondents criticized a perceived negative focus in the 12 steps and step-working practices—for example, the focus on the powerlessness principle in step 1, and on “defects of character” in step 6. Participants perceived that the powerlessness principle conveyed an attitude of being unable to accomplish anything on your own, having a lesser value, or feeling devaluated.
You are nothing in yourself; you cannot trust yourself when you are on your own. All knowledge about how to live your life … you don’t have it in you. By yourself, you are in bad company… [i.e., “an addict alone is in bad company”](Arne)
Håkon even aligned the powerlessness principle with being a “loser”, and Celine stated that it went against her view of humanity. She had felt sorrow when she heard that “your best thoughts have led you here”, and she stated “I felt the underlying truth was: I am worth nothing”. Similarly, Kari found herself questioning whether she ever did anything right, implying that the program undermined independence and self-confidence:
It was like … it was not right to be happy. You should be humble … humiliated … humble and grateful. It was like … a strange mixture of … you should remind yourself of your own badness all the time and, nonetheless, be humble and grateful. If you tried to be kind to those you had been with, it was deemed as codependence. Whatever you did, it was pathologized and dragged down. I had this feeling: am I never doing anything right? (Kari)
An overall view was that many of the respondents desired a higher focus on a “strength perspective”.
Negative experiences spurred frustration
As illustrated by Celine’s experience in step 5, the relationship with one’s sponsor could be critical and spur negative emotions.
It is very vulnerable. For some, doing the fifth step with a sponsor can be liberating. For me it wasn’t. It did not give me the freedom I hoped for. I sat there and described my traumatic experiences to another person. I remember that I felt she didn’t have a clue as to what I was talking about. (Celine)
Kari had a similar experience with her sponsor. As a child, she had been molested by an elder in her church. During step 5, she felt that she was misguided on how to cope rather than receiving sound guidance. Her sponsor told her that she ought to forgive her molester. When she later talked about it with a priest, he simply asked: “Has he [the molester] asked for forgiveness?”—indicating that forgiveness was not a primary concern when the molester denied his misdeeds. Her experience in step 5 left her with frustrated feelings regarding forgiveness, and locked her to the molester and the traumatic events, rather than facilitating a healing process. She also pointed out that her sponsor did not make a connection from her childhood experience and her later experiences of being sexually assaulted when she was intoxicated. In the latter, she felt that she might have been considered to be more “responsible” for the risky situation she had put herself in. In summary, Kari’s experience with the 5th step solidified her feelings of guilt rather than liberating her. Due to her background, she was also uncomfortable with the friendly “hugging” among members before each meeting. As this became too much for her, she instead began attending AA meetings, where this practice was less prevalent.
Some respondents had experienced breaches of the anonymity principle, learning that vulnerable stories shared in meetings were discussed among other members and rumors were spread about them. Håkon addressed the person who originated a rumor he learned was spread, and confronted him in an attempt to stop the spreading. He interpreted the rumor spreading and slander as being due to jealousy or as a means of raising one’s own status at the expense of others.
Several other negative experiences related to the social environment were described. Despite the non-hierarchical ideal, the respondents saw a clear hierarchical structure with different layers of membership. The hierarchy depended on a person’s standing in the fellowship, and was based on certain “success” criteria—first and foremost, the length of time you had been abstinent. Per stated that: “The counting of days seems to be the most important thing in the world for them”. Other hierarchal criteria included whether you thoroughly worked the steps (and made it known to other members), shared in meetings, or had many sponsees. The hierarchy was supported by expressions typically used in the fellowship, such as “stick with the winners”. If you were unable to live up to the standards on these outwardly visible areas, there was inevitably a risk of feeling inferior. Kari simply stated: “You are looked down on if you are not working the steps”, leading to a self-perception of being a second-rate member.
Nothing accentuated a feeling of inferiority more than a relapse. Celine, Arne, and Per perceived an “all or nothing” attitude in the fellowship. When a person returned to the group after a relapse, rather giving them a “clap on the shoulder” and meeting her/him with a supporting attitude, they rather felt that the group met the person with skepticism and excessive focus on the defeat.
When you have had a relapse, it’s because you have not worked the steps well enough … or you were deceptive when you relapsed… you planned it. We say yes, but in fact we disagree with what we are told … and that also becomes wrong, because they have succeeded so well, right? (Kari)
The long-timer, Arne, had a relapse himself after 10 years. He spoke to his sponsor about it, but he felt that some of the other old-timers indicated that this was not enough. They seemed to think that he should preferably have made a plenary “confession”, probably because they thought both he and the fellowship should learn from the incident. When you have had a relapse, you start counting drug-free days from zero again, and there is inevitably a risk that you feel that you are “back to the start”. He felt that other seasoned members had little regard for what he had achieved during his years in recovery, and seemed to place greater emphasis on his failure. Per described a similar experience:
I was very proud when I had 30 drug-free days, but then I had a lapse on alcohol. I bought two six-packs [of beer], but after the first six-pack, I realized that I didn’t want to continue and I stopped. When I came clean to the NA meeting on Monday, I was very satisfied with myself because I had stopped and was determined to continue attending meetings. But I wanted to be honest and told about it in the group. Instead of telling me how good it was that I had stopped, they focused on “What a pity, now you have to start on zero again”. (Per)
In line with the descriptions about the invisible hierarchy, participants also described conformity pressure, in that you ought not question or be critical of acknowledged truths. Hans described himself as an independent person who liked to do things his “own way”. He took pride in having independent thoughts, and simply could not immediately accept everything told to him. He felt that the conformity pressure was related to fears of those who had status in the fellowship, with questions and critiques arousing fear and opposition from those who were in a position to defend the truths. In one serious example, Hans had been openly critiqued by a seasoned member during a meeting, and had felt very humiliated. He acknowledged that the critique was likely prompted by his own tendency to be provocative. Hans was aware that he had used sharing during the group meetings to provoke some of the more seasoned members, and they might have felt that their authority was threatened. After being ridiculed in the meeting, he later realized that it might partly have been brought about by his mentioning that he was about to start a university education, and he learned that the seasoned member had once had the same dream but had not dared to pursue it. Hans eventually came to a point where it was no longer constructive for him to stay in NA—neither for himself nor the fellowship—and the only reasonable solution was to leave. Håkon had similar frustrated feelings. He became so fed up with the negative social experiences in NA that he even said that if he had not left, he would have started to use drugs again due to his discouraging experiences in the fellowship.
Celine’s initial glorified feelings about the fellowship faded away over time, and she begun to question the moral leadership of the persons she had previously admired and looked up to. She perceived that some of the seasoned members hid behind a perfect façade based on their status of longtime abstinence, but the rest of their lives might have been “a mess”. She remembered thinking “So much for honesty and willingness”. Similarly, Hans thought “Anyone can read and recite the literature, but you should rather live by it”. Celine wished that when she started to feel skeptical, she had talked to someone within the fellowship, who might had been able to frame her negative thoughts. Instead, her negative thoughts led her to view the fellowship with increasing skepticism, and she eventually drew away.
The safe place can become a cage
After surgery during his late recovery, Arne experienced re-activation of a capsulated trauma. As a teen, he had been raped by male inmates in a prison. Following his surgery, he had to obtain professional help to cope with post-traumatic stress. After an extensive therapeutic process, he felt more safe and secure, and his underlying fear that he would use drugs again diminished. He then felt that NA was too narrow a framework for his life. He realized that the trauma had greatly influenced his compulsive drug use, as well as his recovery process. He had tried to stay inside the box (i.e., do as was suggested: go to meetings, work the steps, talk with your sponsor), and he was afraid to be careless or negligent and end up in a “danger zone”. He recognized that he had been constantly anxious about whether he had done enough to secure his recovery. Ultimately, NA participation made him feel uncertain and fearful, and reduced his quality of life rather than enhancing it; thus, he felt he had to “break loose” from the fellowship to be able to feel relaxed. At the time of the interview, he still attended a few occasional meetings but he had distanced himself and exercised a “selective hearing”.
Several respondents made similar comments, expressing the point of view that the recovery fellowship ought to be a platform to get you back into society as an “ordinary citizen”, not an end goal in itself. If the platform becomes your whole life, it will eventually be a narrow-minded life; i.e., NA alone is not enough, and there is a risk of becoming “stuck” there. The participants described examples of members who had grown comfortable within the fellowship but who seemed unable to establish themselves anew in the “normal” society. Consequently, they seemed to have a poor quality of life outside the setting of NA. Such persons were mentioned by the respondents as examples of narratives that they did not want to find themselves in, and their disengagement from NA was one means of avoiding such a course. However, when respondents began to consider leaving, they commonly had ambivalent thoughts, like “Can I trust myself if I want to leave the fellowship?” and “Am I able to stand my own ground?”. It was a strong saying in the fellowship that when you leave, you will not manage on your own and you will certainly relapse. This made participants feel trapped in a “checkmate” position when they thought about leaving: “Damned if you leave and damned if you don’t”.