Sixty-eight men participated across the three sites, in focus groups consisting of between six and eleven participants. The average size of each discussion was 8 people with an average age of 52 years (range 28–88). Discussions were conducted in Swahili and were mediated by a Congolese male psychosocial counsellor with experience facilitating group discussions. Each session lasted between 90 and 120 min.
Findings from this study highlight the complexity of factors affecting a man’s decision to reject or accept a female relative who has survived sexual violence, and the degree of individual variability. While some factors were described as acting as a greater driving force to explain rejection than others, the diversity of responses suggests no single factor is identified as being holistically explanatory.
Factors driving rejection
Three key themes arose consistently as principal drivers of rejection: a fear of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), negative attention directed at the husbands of survivors, and an understanding of fidelity and marriage that is incompatible with rape. Other factors arose less frequently, but were nonetheless pertinent to the discussion.
Fear of sexually transmitted infections
“If my wife has been raped, I will be scared to sleep with her; I will be scared to death (Kalehe).”
Each focus group had active and extensive discussions related to sexually transmitted infections (STI). There was a widespread perception that a woman who had been raped was inevitably infected with an STI, with particular emphasis on the fact that she might be infected with HIV. There was a strong focus in the discussions that if a man let a rape victim
2 back into their home, he too would be at high risk of infection and even death. The fear of ‘contamination’ as influencing the rejection of survivors was widely perceived. As one participant explained of a rape victim:
“Her husband does not easily accept to live with this woman because she has been raped – from fear. Fear she has HIV, or other opportunistic diseases like AIDS (Kabare).”
Men described how the anxiety surrounding STIs was so overwhelming that, for the most part, rejection was seen as the only choice. As one focus group participant said: “If a girl or woman has HIV, then there is no way to accept her.” Equally, since sex is viewed as a central component of marriage, to abstain from this through fear of infection was described as unrealistic, and thus infection was likely inevitable:
“We have agreed to live with them. For those with AIDS, we are also affected by the disease. Life will go on and we will die together. It is done. We are living with them, and we will die with them. That is the end of the story (Kalehe).”
Some men noted that armed perpetrators of rape had the explicit purpose of infecting women and their families with disease as a way of destabilising Congolese society. One focus group member framed this intent to infect as a way of harming entire communities: “Sexual violence is a serious issue, how? Whoever started it wants to kill us all.” Some explained the belief that this intent to damage Congolese society was linked to armed combatants who arrived after the Rwandan genocide, “We have been affected because of the Rwandan occupation, the Rwandans brought in lots of diseases including AIDS.” Militarised rape in particular was seen by respondents to be a driving factor in rejection of female survivors of sexual violence.
Stigma against men
"After rape, one loses self-esteem and respect.… people are laughing at you. That is when one lives in isolation and loneliness (Kalehe)."
Focus group participants acknowledged and discussed the extent to which they have witnessed the stigmatising and ostracising of women who have been raped, in their local communities. Men also shared that if someone rapes their wife, the husband will likely become a direct target of humiliation and shame. Certain participants stated that communities’ isolate men whose wives have been raped. As one man described, “People stay away from me, and don’t want me to start a conversation with them.” Other forms of public humiliation were through gossip and ridicule, and the feeling that the opinions of the husband of a rape survivor were no longer listened to or respected. Many men felt their status in the community diminished, noting that people discredited their masculinity and labelled them a “useless person”, “not a real man”, “not normal” and, in some cases, challenged his Congolese identity by associating him with rebel forces.
“There is a church at Kalambo where all the victims of sexual violence are rejected. The husband who is part of this church, when he goes there one tells him that ‘If you continue to be with the woman who was taken by the Rwandans and who became Rwandan Hutu at the same time (in becoming their woman), we will exclude you also and no longer be a part of the church.’ The husband also sees that he cannot…remain in the church. He will seek a healthy woman. (Kambamba)”.
In the eyes of the community, the men felt they had lost their social status: “The man is at a loss because people in the community doubt his power. He failed his responsibility as a man”.
A man’s closest relations have a particularly strong influence over his decision to reject or accept a survivor of violence. Participants gave examples of relatives who also threatened to exclude them, or cut off their social ties. This led men to make painful decisions about how to respond after rape, as one respondent stated,
“When you sit down and think about being dumped by your family because of your wife, you decide to leave your wife and keep the family ties intact (Kalehe).”
Definitions of marriage
“A woman belongs to just one man. This is our custom (Kabere).”
In five of the eight focus groups, men discussed the way sexual violence disrupts the core tenants of marriage as they understand it, particularly through violating a sense of fidelity. Participants described how marriage was defined by a man having the sole right to sexual contact with his wife. Rape fundamentally violates this definition, leading a man to end a marriage he now sees as void. As one participant said, “If she has been with another man, I cannot be with her.” In some instances, the core definition of marriage rested on the idea of exclusivity, as one respondent noted, it is “exclusive sexual contact between a man and his wife.” Therefore, regardless of whether the sexual contact was voluntary, the act of having sexual contact with another man nullified the marriage. Another said, “Sharing a woman with another man is the problem. She is not food to share.”
Moreover, participants in all eight focus group discussions came to overwhelming consensus that sexual violence is non-consensual. Despite this, the nature of the discussions around SGBV showed changeable perceptions of whether women were ‘at fault’ for being raped. For some men, if a woman could prove she resisted the rape, he was convinced of her blamelessness, and therefore would be more likely to accept her. For others, if a survivor did not disclose her rape immediately (a phenomenon which is not uncommon given the stigma and negative consequences), this was proof of deceit and a cause for rejection. If men hear about the incident by word of mouth on the street, they would become more inclined to reject her:
“The problem is because the man feels betrayed and thinks his wife had sex on purpose and hid it. That means she cheated on him. She sent you a message that she doesn’t care about you (Kalehe).”
Focus group discussants explained that if a husband could be sure of his wife’s commitment to fidelity, he would be more likely to accept her. As one man remembered “how she behaved in our house previously, I will know that she was not a cheater, and keep her with me.”
For some men, understanding that the attack was “not her fault” could facilitate acceptance. As one participant said, “The victim was tied up, and everything else happened, how could you reject her?” Another man, speaking about reasons to accept survivors, answered: “First, she is forced into the drama. It was not her intention.” Another asserted:
“Only an idiot husband tells her, ‘get out of my face because I don’t understand what you have done to me,’ even though the wife is telling him that the act was unintentional (Katana, 1).”
Beyond marriage, the respective roles of men and women were discussed in great depth. A woman’s social “value” was shown to be closely associated with her reproductive exclusivity and ability to prove her children belonged to her husband. Women who are unable to fulfil their marital obligations to their husbands – because of trauma, infertility due to rape, or because of the real or perceived threat of STIs including HIV – were perceived as “damaged” and therefore poor partners. Some men described survivors as the “wives” of their rapists, sealing their fate as “outsiders” in the community:
“As head of the family, I have two daughters who were taken by the rebels and brought into the bush. And the boys to whom they were previously betrothed refused to continue the relationship with them in saying that those who became women/wives of the Interahamwe can no longer be our wives. They were pirated. (Katana)”.
Other influences for rejection
Economic factors
“You reject her because you don’t have enough money to get medical care for her (Katana)”.
The economic situation of a household can play a central role in rejecting survivors of sexual violence. Often families lack the means to care for women in need of treatment considering the already impoverished state of households in this area of eastern DRC, and as one man explained:
“You add the new needs and expenses due to disease from rape, and the man cannot afford this so he rejects the woman (Katana)”.
The militarised use of sexual violence in DRC means that the act of rape is commonly associated with other atrocities, including the murder of a family member, theft, torture, beating, and burning of houses. In five of the eight focus groups, men described how rape is often accompanied by catastrophic economic losses. A man from Katana explained:
“The reason that a man chases away his wife is the lack of financial resources, because once this happens to the woman, one cannot have the financial means to care for her and people advise the man to send away the raped woman because he cannot support the cost of medical care. The man will eventually reject her….”
Often survivors are unable to work due to health issues resulting from the attack, compounding the family’s financial loss. One focus group participant described:
“It is the women who bring in more money at home, because if she does not go out, one has difficulties living. These days it is women [rather than men] who are doing better by running by here and by there. As is my case, since my wife had this problem, she never leaves the house and survival has become difficult (Katana).”
Respondents noted that the inability to work was due to both physical and psychological problems. Some men, though not many, discussed how the emotional trauma survivors experienced from stigmatising community members meant they no longer contributed towards the household income. One man from Katana said:
“My wife was raped by the Interahamwe, since then she has not been well with other women, these other women no longer want her near them, if she sits on a chair, they will chase her saying that they do not want to be contaminated by the chair, she could only lock herself at home and that is how she lives. The plot of land that we had, I sold it to care for her problems of the lower abdomen about which she is always complaining, and she has not conceived since.”
Men’s descriptions of their own trauma
“The men are traumatised. You will cry inside. There is a need for a mechanism to de-traumatise men after rape [of their relative] (Kabare).”
Respondents from all eight focus groups recognised how rape perpetrated against their wives had negative emotional and psychological effects on themselves, which in some cases lead to rejection. These emotional consequences ranged from anger and hostility, to sadness, fear, and pain. One man said,
“The husband leaves for a new partner because he does not want to go back to the same wife where he feels pain. No matter what you do, the pain won’t dissipate (Kalehe).”
In all focus groups, men described experiencing deep psychological distress as a result of sexual violence against a relative. Symptoms of this traumatic event included persistent and intrusive memories of the rape, anxiety, fear, and depression. However, only a few participants directly linked mental health problems with the decision to reject. Instead, participants often noted that more pressing social pressures – such as a sense of public shame and financial considerations – as the direct cause for rejection.
Public rape
“When family members have witnessed the rape of their daughters… This act is equated to a deadly attack (Bukavu).”
A number of focus group respondents described how they were forced to participate in sexual violence against a family member. This meant in some cases men were able to see that women protested, that it was “not their fault.” In other instances, however, respondents noted that the public nature of the attack meant that their “shame” was more widely known in the community. Often, rape in the presence of one’s family was perceived as an attack on the society as a whole, which resulted in a collective feeling of shame. A man from Sange explained,
“A rape committed against a woman or girl in the presence of other family members is not perceived in the same way as rape without their knowledge. When this is done before members of the family, it affects everyone a lot, we seek to know more about how this happened. Whereas rape committed against a woman/girl in secret, we do not care to find out how it happened or how to prevent it.”
Another man from Katana noted, “The family can watch the rape of their daughter or mother and this may push them to say that it should not be known outside because it is shameful for the whole family if it were to be divulged.” This was not, however, a universal response.
Children born of rape
“…It isn’t as easy for the husband to accept the child he knows is not his (Bukavu).”
Respondents described how women who have a pregnancy or child born from rape increases stigmatisation directed against survivors and their families; children born as a result of rape were seen as “reminders” of the attack and the accompanying traumatic events. Respondents explained that community members sometimes believe that the child will embody the worst qualities of their fathers, and women who give birth after rape are accused of raising a “replica” of the rapist. Mothers of these children are seen as sympathisers or “wives” of the men who attacked them.
Pathways to acceptance
Men described myriad reasons why they might reject a survivor after rape. However, results from this study also highlighted several factors that supported the decision to accept survivors. These include love, financial contributions and children in the home, but required more prompts from group facilitators and were not as spontaneous as factors driving rejection.
Love and affection
“As I was in deep love with her, my decision came easily to keep her (Kalehe).”
Male respondents stated that sincere affection and love for their wives make men more likely to accept events that affect their marriage:
“First of all, this is due to affection. There is a certain affection for her.… I am afflicted, but I have affection for her despite everything (Kabare).”
Despite this, acceptance after rape is not a panacea for the many problems a couple might face after a rape. Many participants noted that they still experienced trauma, negative feelings and “heartache” at the recollection of the attack, “Because he has bad thoughts… Even if you logically want to stay with her, bad thoughts make it so that you don't want to be with her.” These negative emotional effects can be so intense that they negate feelings of affection in a previously healthy relationship.
“Even if you love your wife, if you see her be raped, the love vanishes (Katana).”
The findings highlight how feelings of affection can encourage acceptance of a survivor after rape, although negative feelings and trauma from the attack may continue to affect the family.
Women’s financial contributions to the household
While being seen a ‘drain’ on household savings can mean a survivor is expelled from the home, contributing to the family income is a powerful motivation for acceptance. Respondents explained how, if a survivor brings money into the home, most other negative reactions after rape are overlooked.
Furthermore, the ways in which people in the community react to survivors who contribute financially to their families are complex. In some instances, a woman’s ability to earn money was seen as a clear reason to keep her in the home. As one man said:
“To the husband of the raped woman, several community members will come and tell him to profit from the income generated by the wife. And thus, the wealth or money of the raped woman becomes her protection at home (Sange).”
However, in most cases, a survivor’s ability to earn income still did not negate negative social reactions. Both she and her family would still face stigma from the wider community, however the financial gain could serve as an incentive to remain together as a family. Another man from Sange said:
“When a woman has managed to generate money or wealth, we have a tendency to accept her despite the rape because of her means. This is to say that we close our eyes to the criticism, especially the disgraces that friends issue in terms of arguing for rejection. Here the husband or family who had the intention of rejecting the raped woman finds themselves seduced by wealth or money of the victim.”
Children in the home
“A man worries about who will educate and care for his children without the woman, so he does not reject her (Kabare).”
Having children in the home, and particularly young children who require dedicated care, can make it more likely that a survivor remains in her home after rape. Respondents stated that if a husband rejects his wife, his children might not be properly cared for: “A man cannot care for the children and the house like his wife can (Katana).”
However, survivors accepted only to care for children may face significant neglect in the family, in particular she may no longer be treated as a true wife. Focus group participants described how, if a man accepts a woman solely because of her capacity as a mother, she might not be accepted as a sexual partner. Thus, her role is no longer as a wife and partner but rather as a caretaker of the children. As one respondent explained:
“The husband is destabilised too because he is uncertain between keeping his first wife to take care of his children, or marrying a new partner for his sexual desire (Kalehe).”
“[Y]our wife has been raped. … Get rid of her and get another woman. But you can keep her aside and keep helping her because she has helped you to give birth to your children. Look for someone suitable for you now. The previous one will still be in the picture, but the new one is the one to sleep with (Kalehe).”
Pressure from people of influence
“It is probable that he has gotten strength from people who encourage him to keep his wife (Kalehe).”
While there were many actors who pressured men to reject survivors of violence, far fewer individuals were seen as promoting unity and kindness. In one group, when men were asked who promoted acceptance, the participants responded with laughter and incredulity, saying that “less than 1 %” of community members would encourage acceptance. Despite this strongly sceptical response, some participants did identify champions in some communities who tried to promote understanding.
In some cases, relatives and trusted friends could impart “good advice” encouraging family unity. One respondent even described how the survivor herself could turn to people of influence to make a case for acceptance:
“His wife will go to [his neighbours and his brothers] and ask them to convince her husband not to reject her (Katana).”
Religion
Men struggling to reconcile their feelings related to a survivor of violence cited personal faith and religious leaders as key supports. Men explained that certain churches and communities might actively promote the isolation of survivors. However, the majority stated that faith communities promoted understanding and tolerance. One man from Katana said:
“The clarification that we have about raped women is that it is the churches who help in the advice they give to raped women, giving them comfort, encouraging them to not leave their home and to not think that it is the end of the world because of what happened to them.”
Partial acceptance
The factors described above promote acceptance. However, they often do not result in a woman fully reintegrating into her household and marriage, because underlying trauma and associated feelings of stigma and shame remain unaddressed. Participants described how, even if a family remains intact, there is often still significant emotional distress and tension in both the household and community. Feelings of fear, anxiety and the extreme concern about STIs and HIV can still damage relationships and hinder healing. As one man explained:
“Although you did not repudiate your wife, your heart is twisted (Kahele).”
This kind of partial acceptance can have long-term negative consequences for both the survivor and her family. Men described how they are still the target of malicious gossip, and may be called stupid or naïve for his choice to accept. Survivors sense this resentment and may live a fractured life where she is only going through the motions of being in a family or marriage. As one man stated: “Sometimes she will be excluded from normal married life (Kabare).”
Eventually, she may experience such poor treatment that she chooses to leave her family out of desperation. Once man stated:
“One can keep her, but the poverty of the family may mean that the family rejects the raped woman, or one can keep her but because of the lack of necessary means, the family cannot meet the needs of the raped woman. The raped woman, herself, leaves the house to search for ways to support herself (Kabere).”
Another indicated:
“Families who have no means may well keep the raped woman, but will not be able to seek treatment or after the incident she will not find a man to take her in marriage. After staying a long time in the family, she decides herself to leave to misbehave or prostitute herself, that which may cause her to die of different diseases because neither she nor the family knew how to manage (Katana).”