Life as a Single Mother
-Isolation
When asked what their lives as lone mothers were like prior to their participation in the group, all of the participants described intense feelings of isolation. One mother described feeling that
"I was at probably one of the lowest points as a parent. I felt destitute. I found that I felt absolutely alone in the absolute world." (Louise, 41 years old, college-educated employed mother of two)
The rejection by a partner resulted in a specific type of isolation experienced by these mothers and as one participant explained:
"You feel a little bit isolated and I think you know your self-confidence obviously takes a huge hit when the person that you love basically doesn't love you back or your marriage ends." (Betty, 31 years old, high-school educated mother of 2, employed part-time)
Social isolation was intensified by two key experiences. First, most of the women disclosed that they did not receive social, financial or instrumental support from family and friends. A key consequence of this lack of support was that they were rarely able to have time away from their children to socialize with other adults. Second, many of the women disclosed that their connections to their social circles of friends were severed when their marriages ended.
-Stigma
Contributing to feelings of isolation was the perceived stigma associated with being a lone mother. Concern over other people observing or judging them and their children compounded feelings of isolation by discouraging mothers from socializing or spending any extended amount of time in public places. One participant shared how,
"for the first while I just hid. It was like people could see your problems". (Linda, 39 years old, employed mother of one, did not complete high school)
Another woman alluded to feeling as though she was
"under a magnifying glass" as a single mother and that "everybody's watching you because you're labeled a single mom and there is a stigma and it exists". (Louise)
Augmenting feelings of shame associated with their circumstances were preconceived notions of single mothers and the 'kind' of people who generally fall into this category. Several of the participants disclosed that before becoming lone mothers they held stereotypical negative views of single mothers. One mother noted,
"I was probably one of those people that labeled single mothers. You know, like I'd drive by a housing unit and go, 'Oh look at that' because it doesn't look good." (Louise)
Another mother shared that she felt very different from other people when she became a single mother, and asserted,
"I think [that] before I became a single mother I probably was judgmental of single mothers. You know looking back sort of thinking you know, 'like who are they?' Almost 'what have you done wrong to be in that position?"' (Betty)
-Sense of Failure
Compounding feelings of shame among mothers was an overwhelming sense of failure because 1) they perceived that they were unable to make their marriages work, and 2) they were struggling financially to support themselves and their children. As one woman remarked,
"There's a sense of failure that hey, look at me, I'm in my 30's and I'm on my own and these kids and I don't have a career." (Betty)
One participant shared her resistance to reaching out to her family and friends because of the embarrassment she felt around entering into a relationship of which no one had approved, and which she herself had sensed would not work:
"I was hiding absolutely everything. Oh, I was embarrassed. You know why? I married someone that everyone knew it wouldn't work [with] and in my gut I knew it too." (Louise)
Parent-Child Relationship
When asked to describe their relationships with their children prior to starting the group, several of the participants explained that the emotional, mental, and financial stresses that they were experiencing negatively impacted their ability to parent successfully. One mother shared that
"It was really stressful and I did find that my stress levels being so high made me not as good a parent. I lost my temper more and I didn't have as much patience." (Lea, 30 years old, employed part-time, mother of two)
From the interviews, the mothers provided several examples that their high stress levels particularly impacted their ability to effectively discipline their children and they resorted to disciplinary practices that may not have been used in less stressful situations. For example, one mother disclosed,
"Spankings were a lot more and yelling and screaming was a lot more. I wanted to know like how do other single mothers do it without screaming their head off and losing it?" (Linda)
In addition to acknowledging the effect that changes in their own behaviour had on the relationship with their children, many of the mothers also described the negative impact that their children's behaviours had on their parenting relationship. Some mothers shared their uncertainty around how to address their children's anger over all of the changes happening in their lives. One participant explained how,
" [the kids] still have anger and it's like if you don't know how to deal with it... it's really hard" and how she "would react instead of you know, trying to take a step back and let them have their anger." (Betty)
Some of the mothers also described a negative change in the home environment as a result of their children's behaviour. One woman shared that,
"it was so bad, because on a daily basis it was like a living hell, [the child's] anger" and "20 or 30 times a day [my daughter would say] 'I hate you, I hate my life, I don't want to live."' (Linda)
-Learning how to budget/adjusting to managing finances for the family
In addition to having to adjust to parenting on their own, many of the mothers had relied on their former partners to manage their finances and as a result, had to quickly learn to budget and manage their bills when their marriages ended. This added responsibility proved to be challenging for many of the women. One woman admitted,
"I hadn't done the budgeting at all before. I just handed over my pay cheques and he looked after everything and thought everything was okay. So that was a really big step for me, I had to go to Family Services and get help for budget counseling because I just didn't have a clue." (Linda)
Due to the drastic decrease in their incomes, most of the women found themselves having to deal with serious financial problems, which in some cases resulted in the loss of the family home. As a result, they were forced to seek out assistance to compensate for the loss of income. Some of the participants talked about the humiliation and shame that they experienced trying to obtain financial support and housing for their family. For instance, many of the women had gone from being home-owners to living in subsidized housing. One mother shared,
"I was on social assistance and my ex-husband wasn't giving me any support at all so that was difficult. It was hard to live on the money that you get plus I had to buy furniture for the kids and apply for housing and deal with something that I've never dealt with before like social workers and things like that." (Margie, 34 years old, college-educated, self-employed mother of two)
Another mother shared how the process of finding housing after her separation was like begging,
"selling [her] soul, telling people what happened to [her], why [she] was in this situation and [how she] needed a home." (Linda)