Method
Procedure
Sample Characteristics
Mean | Range | Possible range | In % | |
---|---|---|---|---|
Age (in years) | 32.7 | 22–46 | – | – |
Total years of education (in years) | 12.4 | 9–19 | – | – |
Age child (in years) | 4.3 | 2–8 | – | – |
Therapy sessions at time of interview (N) | 23.1 | 4–67 | – | – |
Parental RF | 3.6 | 2–6 | -1 - 9 | – |
AUDIT (at risk for problem drinking in %) | 9.7 | 3–14 | 0–40 | 63% |
DUDIT (at risk for problem use in %) | 4.3 | 0–19 | 0–44 | 27% |
TEC childhood physical abuse (any in %) | 4.4 | 0–12 | 0–12 | 73% |
TEC childhood sexual abuse (any in %) | 0.6 | 0–6 | 0–12 | 18% |
TEC childhood emotional neglect (any in %) | 7.4 | 0–12 | 0–12 | 73% |
TEC childhood emotional abuse (any in %) | 6.5 | 0–11 | 0–12 | 90% |
Grew up with interparental violence (in %) | – | – | – | 27% |
Grew up with parental alcohol abuse (in %) | – | – | – | 54% |
Cohabiting with child (in %) | – | – | – | 45% |
Interview
Analysis
Reflexivity
Findings
Superordinate themes | Subthemes | Illustrational quote |
---|---|---|
Being a benign versus being a detrimental force in the child’s life | “I wish I had never become so angry that I beat Child. What I wouldn’t have changed [about my parenting] is everything else, at least 90% of it.” | |
Normality and divergence | “If things do not go as planned it is a deviation and difficult, it grinds in my head. If I get hung up in the deviation it can become reinforced. It sounds very weird saying this.” | |
Being inherently violent and having become violent | “You take your trauma from your parents and inflict the same trauma on your children. Why do I do that?” | |
The intention of not repeating and the repetition of harmful parenting practices | “I have inherited my father’s way of telling off. He could become very hard with his voice. And I do that, too, because you must raise your voice to tell someone off.” | |
Parental presence and parental absence | “[My father] had an alcohol problem from when he was a teen. He was absent a lot, physically speaking. And this is unjust toward my mother, because she was the one standing in the kitchen, she kept our world turning […] But it still feels like he was more present.” | |
Fathering and mothering | “Fathers seem more relaxed and childish, and their job gets easier, compared to the mothers’ crazy project.” |
Being a Benign Versus Being a Detrimental Force in the Child’s Life
The informants contrasted descriptions of the child’s negative reactions to them with descriptions of positive interaction with the child. Similarly, they generally acknowledged that their use of violence burdened the child. However, they typically described their use of violence as something that was caused by external factors, like their adverse childhood experiences, or the child’s behavior: “When Child acts out and becomes unresponsive. I don’t understand why. That is what I work with here, to understand these feelings”. (Preben).It is painful to see the children struggle […] But luckily, we don’t have much of that. No, because- they don’t really struggle. They have … when they can shed crocodile’s tears or maybe even real tears, there is usually little reason for that. […] Yeah, it’s all good. Really, I am not worried about Child. For anything, now. (Thomas)
The participants seemed to shift between acknowledging the negative effects of their violence on the child, and to doubt its severity and scope. In their experience they were good fathers and their use of violence was the exception.She doesn’t know that she caused it in a way, it is not her fault, it is my fault. Stupid to say that it is her fault. Like, she told at daycare, but … She has taken damage from the episodes where I was so angry that I like didn’t have full control over myself and my feelings. (Preben)
I must stick to the plan and not make changes. If things do not go as planned it is a deviation and difficult, it grinds in my head. Sometimes I can tolerate that and say to myself that it doesn’t mean so much, but if I get hung up on the deviation it can become reinforced. It sounds very weird saying this. (Kenneth)
This sense of being divergent was typically described as present already early in life:We were at a school-Christmas party and of course there were many people [...] I lost it completely […] with everyone present [...] I did not handle my anger […] the atmosphere turned very bad […] I didn’t notice there and then, but both my wife and my in-laws and everybody reacted strongly. They had noticed the look in my eyes, and I found it was a very uncomfortable situation. (Geir)
In sum, the fathers in the sample typically experienced their aggression as something that made them stand apart from others, and that others could not understand. This sense of being different became highlighted when others – the child, the partner, family, or the researcher – explicitly reacted to their aggressive behavior. Generally, the informants described having had problems with aggression since childhood.[As a child] I was pretty hyper and pretty difficult and had anger of another world. I felt that mother and father were very different from the person I was, and the understanding for me was too little, it was not there. (Espen).
You take your trauma from your parents and inflict the same trauma on your children, and so it goes from generation to generation. Why do I do that? I want to stop that. I don’t want to inflict on my children the trauma I was exposed to. (Arne)
My father was loving, angry as hell, and cool, actually. Cool guy, man, he was angry […] Things we did together, like cool things, full of love - built a tree house, went fishing, and caught crabs. Normal shit like all families do; I have had a normal family. Like you, probably, with the difference that when you did something wrong you got told off, while I got smacked. (Ola)
To feel rejected you must have felt included at some point in time. Meaning that you must have had something to relate to. And rejection - I believe I never really had an issue with that, because I don’t know if I ever had a feeling of having a bond to something in the first place. (Geir)
My father has let me down, so did my mother. You still love them - I believe that everybody does that […] They are always your father and your mother. If your mother drinks every day and pops pills and falls flat down on her face, maybe she doesn’t beat you, but she crushes you emotionally – you will always love her[...] People do have their mistakes. (Ola)
[Child] doesn’t want to receive hugs. I find that difficult and complicated and I am offering to be there for her, and she doesn’t want to. (Preben)It is cold at home, between my wife and me. I find her to be a very warm person, really. But I feel that she has developed into something that is very, very cold. (Hans)
The Intention of Not Repeating and the Repetition of Harmful Parenting Practices
I want to be there for him because my father wasn’t there for me. I read two large books on parenting when I found out I was to become a father, and I had never managed to read two pages in a book before in my life. (Mats)
Is it necessary for (child) to take a bath, or should she shower? Should we put on lotion or not? All these questions and this insecurity regarding what is right to do in a situation, but even more what the wife thinks is right to do. The wife can decide if she finds it should have been done differently, all the time these control-checks if things are being done correctly, and that creates insecurity. (Johan)
I don’t manage to turn theory into practice […] I get some ideas in my head that right now it helps to be even harder on (child), and I know it doesn’t, but there and then I believe that. And it all escalates and gets worse. (Kenneth)
I felt rejected by my parents. They did not listen to me. […] I remember times where I felt I wasn’t my parents’ child (cries) […] I try to be strict but could be stricter […]and must be strict with small children. If I wouldn’t, then… […] the child must be put in place. I have inherited my father’s way of telling off […] He could become very hard with his voice. And I do that, too […] because you must raise your voice to tell someone off. (Arne)
The participants expressed having longed for being important to their parents, but also having lacked a stable experience of what that was like.Three adjectives for my relationship to Mom…superficial, absent, and materialistic. I cannot give a specific episode. It was like that in general… or maybe it was exactly the opposite: it is precisely the lack of an experience that is lacking. There were never any talks […] I want to claim that I never got asked how I was doing. (Geir)
I got toughened up, but it turned out good in the end. I believe that I am a better father than someone who has been pampered all his life […] and I told my girlfriend right from the start that our child will never be pampered, I hate that. I didn’t want [child] in our bedroom; she has always slept alone from when she was two months old. (Ola)
The experience of having to be an important presence in the child’s life was especially pronounced when fathers had limited visitation with the child.I am always present. My wife will say” this idiot is not present at all.” But I am always there when there is an appointment. I believe that no one can say that in our family I have not been where I was supposed to be. (Hans)
Similarly, the fathers often thought that the main problem for the child was that the child spent too little time with the father.When Child is upset, he can throw a glass against the wall, or he runs off to his room and slams the door and throws toys and destroys toys. He doesn’t do much of this when I am there [...] I am pretty sure that Child hadn’t been that way had I been there. (Lars)
Thus, their presence in the child’s life seemed to be more important for them than the quality of this presence, and its effect on the child.Child has felt rejected. Rejected when Child asks if one can go out and play. It is tragic to say that the kids have got used to it maybe, that Daddy doesn’t have time. That Daddy says no, we must do that later. Always later. (Geir)
In sum, the participants often had experienced physical abuse in childhood as a presence, and emotional neglect as an absence. They described how they did not want to repeat what they had experienced in terms of an abusive presence. However, compensating for the absence of emotional connectedness seemed more difficult. Often, informants experienced just being present in the child’s life as good enough.If you choose to have kids, you must prioritize them. I spend a lot of time on their turf, being with them. I think quantity means a lot in the relationship to children. […] Interviewer: When does your child need attention from you? I experience that Child is nagging all the time. […] it is mostly that she talks, talks, and talks. (Kenneth)
Poor thing, he had an alcohol problem from when he was a teen. He was absent a lot, physically speaking. And this is unjust toward my mother, because she was the one standing in the kitchen, she kept our world turning […] But it still feels like he was more present. He often told me that he loved me. And that he was proud of me. (Hans)
The themes of the father who tries his best, and the mother who provides insufficient care were also present in the descriptions of how the informants experienced their fathering and their (ex-)partners’ mothering. They typically described the mothers of their children in negative terms. They pointed out how the child’s mother made life difficult for the child. These were descriptions of how she did not provide good care for the child, or of the child’s negative reactions to the mother.I felt rejected and hurt by my father all the time because he never got in touch with me. That was just the way it was, and therefore there was no disappointment. It was different with mother because there was closeness and rejection. Rejection from mother was that there was not enough time left for me due to all the chores and kids, and that hurt me. (Johan)
The participants often suggested that the mother of the child actively worked to disrupt the father-child relationship.[When Child is aggressive toward me -] I don’t feel good then. But I also understand Child… and I handle that quite well, but my wife doesn’t handle it at all. The wife gets very upset when Child does that to her. (Arne)
To sum up this point, it seemed that the fathers in treatment for IPV experienced their fathers’ violence and emotional absence as more meaningful and less lastingly hurtful than experiences of ruptures in the relationship to their mothers. Similarly, they did not regard their fathering in the present as detrimental but were often acutely aware of what they experienced to be the child’s mother’s shortcomings.The mum keeps on saying that she should have seen to it to have sole parental rights for him. In many ways she has created a distance between him and me. I believe she has an intention with that, she wants to move back to where she comes from and take him with her. (Hans)